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Written by Parisa Eshrati
Play It By Ear is an ongoing series by T&E writer Parisa where she shares music discoveries along with informational tidbits, anecdotal musings, interactive reader prompts, handmade collages, recurring mini-segments, and whatever else spills out of her brain. This installment talks hard hittin' blues, moody techno, goofy public access performances, and a "behind the zine scenes" feature!
Welcome to another installment of Play It By Ear. It’s an unusual night here in Tucson. It’s cold and raining in May. I’m rejoicing that I get to have one final night of moody music listening. I’m currently cozied up in my room, window cracked open listening to Shizuka’s III - an album I haven’t revisited in years since I first featured it on the New Music Drops series. I’m hoping that sinking into this album and into this blog will relieve me of some uneasiness. It’s been a heavy couple of months. I’ve had so many drafts of this blog. My goal when I last published in October was to make this a monthly segment. Something I didn’t have to delve too deep on, a lighthearted way to share anecdotes and music, a way to feel creatively fulfilled and connected to others. Granted, I did finish publishing the T&E zine since then so I guess I should celebrate that big accomplishment rather than dwell on neglecting my personal blogs. But I also feel like the weight of the world on top of the constant fatigue of my ever-worsening endometriosis has made it extremely difficult to get things done. It’s not for a lack of inspiration. I have endless notes scattered everywhere of ideas, but everything exists in a forever “draft mode”. I see how many unfinished ideas I have and it honestly feels heartbreaking. I look at these drafts as a reminder of my physical and mental inability to see my visions through. I feel a constant urge to be creative, but it’s hard to fulfill a desire to create in a world full of destruction. It feels hard to reckon with the privilege of having time to write and have fun knowing that my family is living through war. It’s also difficult to navigate these emotions while my endo medication is wreaking havoc on my physical and mental wellbeing. It’s a lot. But I’m hoping to turn things around. I’m hoping listening to this beautiful music will allow me to feel some mental and physical harmony. I’m hoping that writing will fuel my sense of purpose, to transform my anxious energy into something more meaningful. I’m hoping that blogging out to the netherworlds of the internet - whether or not anyone even reads this - will make me feel more connected to others and the world around me. I’m hoping that wherever you are, you are also doing okay given these very tumultuous times. And I’m hoping that whatever you’re feeling these days, you have the soundtrack to empower you through it. This blog covers moody techno, hard hittin’ blues, goofy public access performances, plus some new and returning mini-segments: Thanks for reading, love you all. P.S. - Here is a scan of a little zine I made about endometriosis. It’s my first perzine, it felt very cathartic to just jot down random thoughts on pain, bleeding, and of course, relating it to music. I didn’t make it super in-depth, instead I just let myself have fun with the crafting process and wanted to make a zine that was completely handmade. The materials I used include ink stamps, postage stamps, stickers, a label maker, receipt paper photography…really pulling out all my favorite things from the craft drawer. Speaking of moody music, I recently revisited the 2018 album Burn Slow by German techno DJ Chris Liebing. It was one of my favorite albums of that year but kind of forgot about it for no other reason than time passing along. I don’t even remember how I first heard it either. Kind of funny how memory is hazy like that, but I’m more pulled to emotional memories than factual ones. Anyway, this album is quintessential “night driving” music. The dark, brooding and pulsating synths cruise menacingly behind spoken word narratives. It feels like you’re at a dingy club and are able to pick up on the inner thoughts on those around you, listening in on introspective, intrusive musings of strangers. My favorite song is “Card House” featuring Miles Cooper Seaton ( RIP <3 ) of Akron/Family. Other features on this album include goth titans like Cold Cave and Gary Numan. A must listen for anyone who likes dark synth music. What is your favorite dark techno album? Do you prefer this to traditional techno? Does this album make you want to drive, dance, sulk, all three, or something else? These musings remind me of a Peanuts comic I saw recently: 
I adore all Peanuts comics, but this one is especially such a gem, no? There’s nothing that hits quite like a goooooood sad song.
What song does this comic make you think of? The immediate first song that came to mind when I saw this comic was “I’m So Depressed” by the incredible one-man-blues-band Abner Jay. There have been several nights where I listen to this song on repeat over and over and over and over again. There are endless songs out there about depression, many of which wax poetically in metaphors to capture the depths of sadness. Then there are songs like this, that just bare their souls and rip their heart out in the most literal way possible. What I love about this song is how it doesn’t feel like a typical mellow, somber sorta “sad song”. It feels triumphant and courageous, like a declaration of vulnerability and a proclamation of pain. The simple kick drum is the heartbeat of the song. It starts as a simple thump, a slowness mirrored perhaps by the soft beat of a broken heart. The tempo anxiously builds and builds, the thumping of the drum kicking up as Abner begs for someone to love him. And I think what makes this song the most crushing of all is that the tempo doesn’t end on a big climax. Our ears, at least in Western culture, are accustomed to hear a structure like this and anticipate a sort of sonic resolution of sorts, like we’ve broken through the moment this song has been building up towards. We get swept up in the heart wrenching emotion of his voice, the restless and driving spirit of the melody, but it just…sustains there a bit toward the end, right? It kind of reminds me of a Shepard tone in a strange way. Like…the tempo keeps building and he starts wailing “hey”, but there’s some anxiousness in that not just exploding into a cacophony. It gets faster and faster, until he just breaks down in sad laughter, and then sinks right back into the somber, slow tempo where it all started as he says: Oh, looking back over my life Oh, Lord, I'm so depressed Help me, somebody, I need some rest Oh, Lord, I'm so depressed I wish I had a better way of explaining what I mean, and perhaps some music critic would disagree and say that I’m interpreting the tempo all wrong. But hey man, I just think the song rules, lay off me! Going back to that Peanuts comic, what makes this song so relistenable for me is the anthemic quality. There are other sad songs, say from the likes of Daniel Johnston or whomever, that I could only listen to so many times before I just shrivel up into a little raisin and fall between the cracks of the couch (which too has its time and place), but the spirit of this posthumously released song just feels big and different. I leave feeling empowered in my sadness. It’s a beautiful, tragic and complicated thing Abner Jay was able to pull off in his songwriting. I also appreciate the unique quality of this being performed as a one-man band, makes the story feel more all-encompassing in that way. Fun fact: I’ve also heard that Abner Jay used to frequent the swap meet in Tucson. I have yet to ever find proof of this, but no harm in believing he has strong roots here in my desert home. *While I’m on the subject, here’s one more that makes me think of the comic: “All My Happiness is Gone” - Purple Mountains. Another rhythmically upbeat sad song, hurts in all the right places, makes you sing your heart out while violently sobbing. One of the most cathartic and crushing and beautiful sad songs out there. RIP David Berman, you were one of the best to do it. To shift the mood of this blog, now I want to talk about something that brings me unsurmountable joy…public access television! I used to love watching all the oddball talent (or lack thereof) grace my tv screen as a kid, and now finding old VHS recordings online are a source of pure nostalgic joy. One of my favorite finds as of late is this recording that was featured on the Found Footage Festival’s weekly YouTube show called VCR Party Live. They had a guest who runs this channel, feed your vcr, who uploaded an episode of a show called 28 Minutes: Found in a box of old public access television recordings, this is an episode of "The 28 Minutes Show" from MNN. Aired some time in the 2000s or 2010s, it features everything from an art-punk noiserock masterpiece about a teddybear massacre, belly dancing, a two-step workout routine, a poem about domestic abuse, and a rap song about pornography. Wow! Man, I love public access television. So many wonderful weirdos just doing their absolute best. As much as we might laugh at their flubs, their goofs, their silliness, and their stupidity, they've still got the utter audacity to get up there, in front of a camera, and share their stupid whatever with the world. It's all part of what makes these tapes so fun- that delicate balance between the inherent success of earnest effort and the complete failure of talentlessness. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Come for the art-punk performance of “Teddy Bear Massacre”, stay for the rest. A great watch and listen if you’re looking for something to throw on while you’re folding laundry or cooking…or heck, give it your undivided attention! Lots of great laughs and moments in here, plus some unforgettable (for better or worse) songs. Since the last Play It By Ear blog, I was able to finish the 10 year anniversary of the T&E zine! I was going to make a separate “Behind the Zine Scenes” blog, but I thought doing a lil blurb here would be appropriate enough. I post a lot of updates throughout the process on Instagram but it’s nice to commemorate it on a blog too! 
cozy view from my desk, putting together the zine in InDesign
From start to finish, this zine took 11 months (although I’d say it’s not still entirely done, as there are hundreds left to staple and fold!) That may seem like a long time -- and it is -- but when doing a collaborative zine, there are a lot of moving parts to consider. I start out by opening submissions, letting everyone who has participated over the last decade know that I’m doing another issue. From there, I get responses and set a general deadline for a few months out. One thing I know from years of experience is that about half of the initial contributors will drop out for various life reasons or just kinda vanish. I don’t mean to share that in a condescending way, just a part of the process! And life happens! People get busy and can no longer commit. It’s all good…well, except the few that did totally ghost me :[ So from there, I reach out to more folks again…and this process happens about two or three more times. Waiting for the submissions to finalize and trickle in is the most time-consuming part of the process. I got the first submission on July 26th and got the final submission on December 14th! Deadlines be damned, I suppose. It becomes a beautiful lesson in patience though, because the crew that ultimately does assemble were all meant to be there and I couldn’t have dreamt of anything more special <3 I would’ve put Jay Reatard’s “We Who Wait” on here but alas, it’s not streaming. But if you know, you know. Then the next couple months are what I call “playing tetris” when I try to lay everything out and see how it’ll fit. This part starts off extremely stressful and overwhelming, but becomes incredibly rewarding once I figure out the flow. Once the layout is finalized, I go to a paper warehouse to source the right color, texture, and weight for the pages and cover stock. This is always my favorite part of the zine making process, because it is the bridge between the zine existing as a digital idea to a physical object. 
Having a BLAST at the paper warehouse!! Spending an hour touching paper samples
This Catherine Wheel song is very fitting for this part of the process - both in providing texture to make this zine come to life, and in the song’s message of breaking a barrier to another side. This whole album holds up so beautifully. 90’s alternative with a hard shoegaze lean Then it’s the glorious printing stage!! I print everything on a risograph, and it’s the definition of a trial and error process. The machines at The Binsley have made over a million prints, and I am by no means a technician of these crazy contraptions. So it becomes a lesson making do with your abilities, and embracing it rather than fighting it. I printed over the course of two days, about 12 hours worth of printing. I had called in my boyfriend on the second day because I really needed some extra hands (the machines kept breaking down on me and I was getting cranky lol), and with his help and Jeik from the Binsley, it got done! The zine would not be possible without The Binsley owners Jeik and Amanda. I am so grateful for them letting me use their risos, and for the opportunity to say that this zine was done 100% by hand, totally DIY from start to finish. Also very grateful to my friends Dani and Wilson for helping me fold and staple the issue. I hope you all have been enjoying this issue, and if you don’t have your mitts on one yet, please reach out via the Contact Form to have one mailed to you! What crafts or art projects have you been working on lately? Are there any songs that reflect the process? Now let’s get into our recurring mini-segments!! Featuring some new ones, such as this one up right here…
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